Well, I really outdid myself today.
If you're from Poland, Ohio, you can stop reading now. You either saw my misfortune, or you already have heard the folklore that surrounds my misfortune.
Anyway, you know that tie at the waistband of sweatpants? Admittedly, I'm not a sweatpants kinda girl, so I always thought the tie was merely decorative.
It turns out that the tie is a necessity that holds up your pants. Who knew?
I saw that the tie was missing when I decided to wear the sweatpants to Emerson's soccer game, but I didn't care because my shirt was just long enough to cover the waistband, so the missing ornamentation of the tie would be undetectable.
Oh, how we live and learn!
I drove to the soccer game still in my state of blissful ignorance.
Then we had to get out of the car and walk down the LOOOONG, one-way road to the soccer fields. The lightbulb started flickering in my head.
I noticed the extra fabric in my crotch area at about the same time I felt the wind on my lower back.
I had my Diet Pepsi in one hand, so that left only one hand to deal with the impending indecent exposure. I grabbed the pants at one hip with my free hand, but I was walking, so that movement caused the pants to fall down around the other hip.
I was limping like I was just getting used to a new leg prosthesis, which is what must have caught Emerson's attention. She looked at me and screamed, "Mom, everyone in all the cars behind us can see your underwear!"
I turned to look at the horror, and there were, indeed, cars behind us as far as the eye could see. Of course.
Finally, with Emerson crying from embarrassment, we made it to her field and she started her game. I put down my Diet Pepsi and stood there, like a crazy lady, holding up my pants.
I did a pretty good job for awhile, but damn my kid for being good at soccer! She was on offense and the ball was right in front of her. She was kicking it like a madwoman down the field, and I started screaming.
And then it happened.
I cheered and let go of my pants.
I stood there in horror as everyone at an eight year-old's soccer game watched my pants fall to my knees. Literally.
Thank God my underwear was from Victoria's Secret.
Unfortunately, they were thongs.