I like to keep you all informed, just in case you ever wind up in court or, worse yet, the slammer. So this is what I learned this week while carrying out my duties as a public defender:
If a drunken brawl breaks out at your house on your birthday, try to refrain from throwing your birthday cake, candles and all, at the police car that responds to your neighbors' request to quiet down the trash that lives next door to them. And then don't get mad when you're charged with disorderly conduct, idiot.
Do not EVER write in a police report that you only let your boyfriend/pimp have a certain type of sex with you on New Year's Eve and the Fourth of July. That is WAY TMI, and, trust me, the police report will get passed around to everyone who walks into the courthouse. Aside from that, it's just not very classy, even for a prostitute.
No matter how angry you are, do not smear your own feces on the wall of the holding cell. You are the one that has to stay in it and admire your artwork. Moron.
Try really hard not to scream "F*** you!" over and over again at the judge, prosecutor, bailiff, secretary, and anyone else in the courtroom. You can be held in contempt of court for a long time. Then again, if you're in court on bank robbery charges, contempt of court is probably the least of your worries.
Finally, on a personal note, tell your public defender that you bathed IN THE TOILET that morning BEFORE she shakes your hand!
Thank you so much for all my sweet birthday cards! I felt so loved!