Can you actually hack up a lung? I've heard that expression, but I never saw it happen, or met anyone to whom it has happened. If it is possible to hack up a lung, BE WARNED: I THINK MINE IS COMING WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. I would advise you not to stand in front of me, especially in your good clothes.
Even if you choose not to heed my warning, I promise, I'll find you a great pair of shoes that match lung.
So, I'm still sick. The doctor said I have asthma, bronchitis (Danny didn't think I would really tell the doctor that I've been using eleven year-old Biaxin to treat it), and pan sinusitis. I figured I had all those diseases and disorders; I mean any hypochondriac worth her weight in salt has all that diagnosed before she walks into the doctor's office.
But listen to this shiznit: HE THINKS I MAY HAVE A HEART CONDITION!!!! That kind of information can send a hypochondriac to an early grave. Okay, I have to write the obligatory letters to my children, husband, parents and sisters. I have to clean my house (not happening, but it feels like I have to at least write it), choose my funeral, get a mani/pedi, and have my hair styled and colored. I also have to find bone marrow donors.
The most important thing I need to do is write a post to my Internet family letting them know how much I love them.
Sheesh. Is someone with a heart condition supposed to work that hard?
The doctor interrupted my mental-list-making by explaining that he thinks I might have mitral valve prolapse, which is relatively benign in females, and that it is regurgitating my blood in the heart. (Yes, I do have blood, and sometimes it's even warm.)
So I did the only reasonable thing: I called my sister and cried because I know she has mitral valve prolapse, for which she is medicated.
As usual she was quite supportive about the matter.
She said, "Dumb ass, you already know you have mitral valve prolapse."
"Huh, what do you mean?"
"Yes, you ass! You got tested after I did and I remember your results so clearly because when I heard them, I thought, 'Can't I have a single effin' thing this bitch doesn't have also.' "
Well, I have some shopping for lung-colored shoes to do. Do you prefer Payless or Nordstrom? (Please say Payless, please say Payless, please say Payless......)